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**Welcome to Tan/Green! I started out blogging about trying to be a granola mom in a fast food world. Now I have embarked on a yearlong project sharing lessons with my sons for what I am pretty sure are boys most worrisome years, ages 15-30. **
 source: D. Sharon Pruitt (flickr)
Unlike friends, you don’t get to select your family. You are born into and stuck with us. Not just me and Dad but all the extended family too. Know that life is lived in seasons and you will have times where family is physically close, times when they are emotionally close and times when they just don’t feel close at all. All of this this ok. It is ok because at the end of it, family is still there.
Family sets your norms, what you think it right and regular in the world and family has provided you with both your nature and what has been nurtured into you. There is no escaping the value structure and beliefs of your basic family unit. There is great potential that you will go through a time of deeply questioning all of that, probably in adolescence and early adulthood. There is a tension, a push-pull, usually about the values and beliefs that you just aren’t sure you hold. That is growing up. But don’t expect – in this family at least – that you will go unchallenged. Family pushes us.
Unlike friends and coworkers who will accept you at face value, family will see you through your early years and will push back if you change too much, will question if you make perceived poor choices, will warn you about bad romances and unhealthy decisions. You should always listen. You should always weigh this advice, these warnings, these concerns. There will always be something valid in what you are told.
And you will then make your own decisions.
There are many choices I have made that Nonna questioned. Deciding to work in theater; moving to Las Vegas; changing religions; living with your dad before we were married. And I heard her opinions – and Grandma’s opinion and my uncles’ opinions (second hand) – and I listened. And I made decisions that didn’t always sit well with my family.
You will face so many choices in life and have so many relationships, financial dealings, matters of health. Especially in those formative 15-30 years, every day, every turn seems have big decisions, habits that get formed and new influences to contend with. Family is the touchstone – even when we are a pain in your rear. You will see what those values look like played out, and judge for yourself how all of our decisions have turned out, and question, and listen. Above all, appreciate that family will have opinions and that they come from the deepest love and concern for you – and not wanting you to make mistakes we made and wanting you to be your best self, living your best life. I see many young people turn away from their families because they are being questioned and critiqued and know their decisions aren’t backed. This is one of the jobs (and not a fun one, by the way) that family takes on.
Listen first, and know we will always support you. Do not turn your back on family or feel belittled or worry about disappointing us. Love and family will remain no matter what you do. And know we expect the same from you.
 Source: Micah A. Ponce (flickr) Keep your good friends a long time. Make the effort.
This is something I wanted to tell you boys in this series of posts but wasn’t sure how to start off. During a lecture at William and Mary the lecturer said, “How do you get to know friends? Over time. You don’t share the whole story over the first coffee or the first dinner. That’s too risky.” That resonated so strongly because I was in this lecture visiting a friend…a friend whose story I had been getting to know for over fifteen years. My thought in that moment was, “And the story gets bigger. Our stories get jumbled together.”
When I was a production assistant at the Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival, I stayed in the home of a very lovely woman named Jan. She was invited to the home of a longtime friend to enjoy wine and cheese around the kitchen island with a group of friends who had known each other over twenty years. She generously included me on the invitation. The night was so impactful because it was so clear that these longtime friends had lived life’s adventures together and were visibly, tangibly close knit. They supported each other in a way unique from casual friends or even family. In that moment and moving forward, I wanted those kinds of relationships on my life. I was 21. There was no way to know then but I had collected most of my best, longtime friends already. Over these last nearly 15 years I have gained a few more. In this way I am truly blessed.
These friends and I haven’t been so fortunate as to spend our everyday lives together and there isn’t a defined “group.” There are no nights as special and visits as great as those with old friends, though. It just takes time to get there. Even in our Vegas home we now have friends whose stories we have been getting to know for five, six, seven years.
I didn’t know who out of all the people I met over time would stick as friends. It is just one of those things you don’t know until later – and one of those things that is easily taken for granted. This message to you isn’t about making longtime friends – it isn’t something you can set out to do. This message is about keeping longtime friends and that you need to value those relationships…even if you don’t know which ones they are for a decade (or two). In that spirit treat your friends well and cling to those with whom your conversation and laughter flows freely, those who are willingly with you through the hard times, those whose decisions and accomplishments you admire and those who don’t bring drama and conflict to your life.
**Welcome to Tan/Green! I started out blogging about trying to be a granola mom in a fast food world. Now I have embarked on a yearlong project sharing lessons with my sons for what I am pretty sure are boys most worrisome years, ages 15-30. **
 source: flickr (stratoz)
This was not a post I planned. In some ways though it should have been the first post I wrote in this Living Project series. Why do I think ages 15-30 are the challenging years for boys? Because I see, again and again, men in this age range making poor decisions that result in sad, devastating…deadly outcomes.
Last week I received an email with a link to the news. One of our union guys…his son died in a car crash at age 24. This on its own is tragic. I have recently learned of two associates loosing brothers in their twenties to car wrecks. In this case, more tragic is that the crash involved alcohol and a car driving up to 80mph in a residential area. These things are profoundly controllable.
Last August as a group of us returned from the annual leadership conference, we got word that a coworker’s son was swept away in a flash flood. Again, tragic news. More tragic was that he jumped a fence to retrieve a cell phone from the wash during monsoon. He knew the water was coming and took a wild risk.
These are the worst, but there is range. Another coworker has a son in and out of jail on drug offenses; I can count handfuls of young men who have unintentionally fathered children; I see technicians with great potential unable to get it together enough to show up to work on time (they get fired). These things break a parent’s heart and derail young mens’ lives.
The truth is I just don’t hear about as many young women involved in these sorts of poorly considered situations. There are cultural reasons for this – men are encouraged to take risks, act indestructible, have no fear and be bold above all else. There are psychological reasons for this – the area of the brain able to assess risk isn’t fully developed until something like age 25 and takes longest in men. There are social reasons – there are times when peer pressure is strong; and we all try to “get away with” certain things in our youth.
I cannot imagine or predict how your brain will develop or what US culture will emphasize fifteen years from now. And as hard as it is for me to accept, I will have, over time, less and less control over what social situations you are in.
You. You, my sons, have all the control. You decide if you will drive or ride drunk (please, never). You elect with whom you will spend time and therefore what kind of social pressure you will face. You will know yourself better than anyone and only you will know the limits of your self-control and decision making. Do not put yourself into situations where you know bad decisions are easy to make.
In high school, that situation may be going to a party without any known safe way home (heck, that can be at any age). In college, it may be hanging out in dorm with known illegal drug use. In adulthood, it might be meeting with an old girlfriend when you have a wife. It might be something that seems mundane like trying your first camping trip in Death Valley in July. There are smart ways to do pretty much anything you want to do (assuming it is something legal and moral you set upon). Arrange a ride with me. Find a different place to hang out. Research how to do something new. Bring your spouse to meet the old flame.
Or maybe you will be that amazing guy who never overdid it even while everything crazy was going on around him. That takes a huge amount of self-control, acting methodically and knowing yourself. If you can, aspire in that direction! More realistic is this:
Take the time to be aware of yourself and your situation. Know thyself and act accordingly.
**Welcome to Tan/Green! I started out blogging about trying to be a granola mom in a fast food world. Now I have embarked on a yearlong project sharing lessons with my sons for what I am pretty sure are boys most worrisome years, ages 15-30. **
 Source: Jpott (Flickr) Last night we had a fight. The three of us. I wanted you to eat dinner and you did not want to eat a new food, either of you. So I yelled and you cried and I slammed dishes and you got sullen, both of you. None of us were our best selves. And this morning you opened the front door for me when you heard me return from my run, bright eyed and happy to greet me, both of you.
In life there are big fights and there are small fights; there are fights that leave you raw and unsure of a relationship – fights that change the very fabric of a relationship. Far more though are fights like we had last night. Small fights. These are simple clashes of will, annoyances that have reached their peak or even – often – totally unrelated feelings coming to bear in the safe environment of a strong relationship. In these common small fights know these things:
You may be a yeller (I am) or you may be silent (like your father). You may say things you regret and you can never take back your words. If you are a yeller, beware. You may need to say things that you don’t. If you are silent, also beware. Our closest relationships – family, usually – are safe havens for these fights. On my side we are loud, we yell, we cry, we slam, we make obscene gestures. We are, after all, Italian. We forgive. This leads to more crying and kinder gestures. This red hot anger flames quickly and passes with grievances aired and emotions reset to zero. We don’t always resolve anything, change our behavior or have a plan to move forward. On your father’s side, there is stoicism, quiet hours, dispassionate talk. There are Nordic and Northern European roots there. There is forgiveness, also done quietly. And all of this is completely valid.
You will fight how you fight – influenced by your parents, friends, media…the weather. We all mix our reactions up. We all have good days where we are our best selves even in the face of confrontation reacting to conflict with logic and a plan for resolution (this usually isn’t called a fight at all). We all have bad days where we overreact to even the smallest perceived conflict avoiding the conversation or exploding. Around here, we always forgive. Lots of times we forget. When your dad and I went to our pre-marriage classes at church one exercise involved talking about your last fight – we had a hard time recalling what that was. We fight but we move on.
Do not be afraid or embarrassed or too proud to say you are sorry. Apologize for only what you are sorry for – “I am sorry that we fought” or “I wish I handled my emotions differently” or “I am sorry you are upset.” That word goes a long way.
Be empathetic. Why was there a fight? Was it about what it seemed or is there something deeper? What has your counterpart been experiencing? Do not sink to ad hominem arguments. Think about what might actually get through to the other person your point of view and adjust your behavior accordingly.
Consider not fighting. Let the small things go. Recognize when you aren’t able to be your best self and “take a lap” instead of engaging. Don’t fist fight.
Set up a time to talk about the real issue. Bring notes if you need to; bring solutions that are win-win.
Know above all else that fighting does not change love. Family and friends – and even co-workers – who love you (or value you in the case of a peer) do not abandon you because if a fight. A few fights, even. Many petty fights? Dirty fights? Ugly, drawn-out, repetitive fights? Drunken fights? Yes, you lose people that way. First your peers, then your friends and finally everyone but your mom and dad who will love and need you until we cease to share this Earth with you.
Fight fair. Don’t fist fight (though you should practice your right hook just in case).
**Welcome to Tan/Green! I started out blogging about trying to be a granola mom in a fast food world. Now I have embarked on a yearlong project sharing lessons with my sons for what I am pretty sure are boys most worrisome years, ages 15-30. **
Cleanliness matters.
Why?
We are blessed and lucky to have possessions and to live in part of the developed world – taking care of our things shows gratitude and reverence.
Cleaning is a way to practice discipline and order and mindfulness.
Keeping a warm, welcoming space is important to your own mental well-being and those you live with.
Clean just feels good and contributes to good health.
How?
Do a little every day and nothing will get overwhelming – don’t be lazy. This is good advice for tasks that need to be done routinely and big projects alike. Cleaning is a fine way to create good habits that will affect other areas of your life.
Luckily you both have already started to internalize that clean is good and important. Dante, you like things “nice and clean” – you have enjoyed sweeping and a clean floor since before you could speak. Gabriel, you ask for “wipe up” and “bath time” and even help out already…keep it up!
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